Depression

Ongoing more details to follow....

Growth as an individual, but at a price.

I feel sometimes others stigmatize me, or ridicule me. I suppose that’s what makes me an insecure individual. I have a plan with my living situation, and what I’m going to do about it to go forward not in reverse.

Regardless I'm doing swell today, and moving forward. Started a new volunteer gig a few weeks ago to further boot my resume~

I had my priority’s wrong in my 20s, and drifted away, while I believe in a higher power, god, or whatever you want to call it. I don’t know if my view in conventional, I believe in the conventional god or the biblical since, but don’t consider myself a bible thump-er.

I have some issues to iron out, but ponder the meaning of what life has to offer, someone who lost faith long ago.

Just my thoughts for today, I feel stigmatized

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

10/10/12

Talked to a good friend today, went to Marin Alano Club today, made progress in my goals and ambitions. Have an urgent appointment later today, that could have drastic changes for better or worse, time to make choices again, as I have my freedoms and civil liberty back.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Back hurts somewhat, and a blister on my heel of my foot hurts as well. Making progress in goals and actually getting a few things done for a change, had some issues with YV but going to keep in contact with her maybe a little less per say. Might see AF on Friday or might not, I need some alone time to figure things out somewhat.

I have a plan and some potential good news, a door opened for me, but not sure if I’m going to take it, I also have many good things going on.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Made progress in some goals with my living arrangements today, continuing to plan ahead for the future, visited a friend yesterday, have business to attend to, made some choices regarding areas of life recently.

Meeting financial goals and making progress towards my own apartment, no more share rentals for me!


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

life post-probation in the bay area

Made peace with some of my things, but still insecure, some self confidence is dropping, I feel lost and stressed out a little but I will manage, even Paranoid feelings are setting in, told a few folks about it, it has been on going for about 7 or 8 months. I hurt sometimes for my past transgressions and shy, sad, insecure feelings tend to set in.

I am making progress in my goals, on speaking terms with bless again somewhat. I also text-ed a few folks about my insecurity to reach out for help.

Anyway class today, and other things to do to plan for my future, and goals. My back pain is getting better after changing Marvin's tire 3 weeks ago on Sunday. I'm likely to sit things out as yadira suggested for the greater good of my living situation even though some of my “friends” don't think its such a good idea. Other of my friends agree with me that sticking things out a while for the greater good, and no more roomates for this individual in the near future. Living alone rocks but for the present moment I must put up with other individuals bullshit.

I made some personal growth in my health and fitness goals as well. Lately im a bit slightly resentful due to TSA & PG not having my letters on time, but patience is required for these professional letters and for my expungement letters now that my probation is over and I have regained my civil libertys and rights I signed away for 2 and half years plus my 12 month jail sentence.

I also am eagerly awaiting a letter as well, for a finance matter and a few other things, we will see what the road ahead lies and where life will take me in Marin or someplace else


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Went to the doctor today, I am sick with a mild sinus cold / cough. Attempting to get better soon, saw BK today and we talked on the bus. Met with YV and ate a healthy lunch going for a walk soon, than class.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Working on my expungement letters from community members, and other civic leaders. Sticking things out a while per YV and having faith that my dreams will come true. Class tonight, more details to follow.


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Have class today, very busy, had a busy day. Have a plan for my life, and sticking to it. Going to hit an AA meeting(s) this week and step up my program. Discussed my insecurity with my sponsor. Pondering life and the meaning of who I am as an individual, still soul searching....but sober.


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I am likely in December moving to someplace in the bay area (away from Marin county), I will not disclose. I have much shame and guilt for my inaction, actions and prior transgressions. My abuse and hazing after Katrina the infamous storm that hit my hometown of Harvey,LA (a New Orleans Suburb) in Jefferson Parish. The hazing occurred in Houston, Texas and I was too young and insecure in myself and resorted to drinking, I thought I had the answers but years of temptations of sin, and personal physical abuse, and sexual abuse from racist coworkers and a hostile work area was a downpour.

I see my part in it and my lining, manipulating, stealing, and using others to get what I want and need, as well as taking advantage of people, places and things.

People sometimes make me insecure, some folks I have gotten word gossip behind my back. But I made pace with some things. I brought shame to myself in Alcoholics Anonymous, but find peace in Narcotics Anonymous as well as the occasional Debtors anonymous, over eaters anonymous, sex & love addicts anonymous.

I for 5 years sober have made an utter ass out of myself, and pay the price for it. I learned my lessons on probation for 2 and half years as well as 13 months in the Marin county jail. Never again I say, I know now and have become a better individual.

Truth be told, I’m not running away, I’m keeping the same sponsor, despite my commute and schooling in Marin County, Ill be around, Ill just be living someplace else. Some folks read my open blog entry with amusement I suppose, some may back stab me, some persecute me for past transgressions, or my addictions or other problems.

Hell people are nice to me its just in my head, I know I’m more assertive as a result of my hazing, and wont go through that again, but I hurt a bleed in the soul, I must find A Outlet to make peace with my demons. I choose to live, over jails, institutions and death from addiction.

Who gives a fuck what others think? Maybe I care too much maybe I need to grow up, I know where I’m going and how I’m going to get there.

Thats my story and im sticking too it.


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

life, rights, and romance

The question remains where I find peace, in Christianity, or my higher power, or the god as I understand him/her/it. I was hurt long ago, and lost faith fell adrift, but I don’t dwell on the past but my hazing in my mid 20s was in-partial to blame, of my falling away from faith.

I don't have all the answers currently, but I seek something better, a better life. A fresh start on the road ahead. Alas I see the light at the end of the tunnel again.

I don't have all the answers currently, but sometimes I seek them. I used to be religious but I'm not sure where I “fit in” I search for god, I feel him in my life, but do I believe in god?

School is going well in class Monday-Thursday and doing volunteer work at the San Rafael Salvation Army. On step 9 with my AA sponsor,

Made peace with some demons, and ended my probation on Friday. Feels great, I paid my debits to society and learned my lessons of not taking as good care of myself emotionally and spiritually and learned the consequences of not dealing with health concerns.

I don’t know what the road ahead lies, I may go see a friend from San Rafael who moved to be closer to her kids in Texas near Houston perhaps, and visit my uncle In New Orleans. I have amends to make in both places, and some my sponsor suggested I don't make as it will cause more harm than good as transgressions In my addiction. Which I used to obsess over some individuals, yet I scared them, I also have an issue to try and iron out with some Law Enforcement my sponsor wants me to focus on local amends in California first. And I have other personal issues to iron out first before I take this trip.

My life is in someways better in other areas the same, and in some areas worse, I’m at a crossroads somewhat. And regained my freedoms, and civil liberty and got all my rights back.

Lately ive been listening on podcast to Alex Jones & Coast to Coast AM Again. Brings back old memory working graveyards, or parking on my nights off from work soul searching, pondering looking at the city at night. Or in the countryside off road sitting on the tailgate or lining in the bed.

The question remains where do I go from here? I’m still trying to figure that out, but lucky a loose plan is forming for my short term and long term goals.

Gossip could be better or worse, but I don’t let anyone person, or place or group of individuals keep or porpoise my spirituality or sobriety. I have done some dumb things, but I learned from my experiences, and have grown up in the past 2-3 years.

Furthermore, I have my 5 diversification letters from individuals, non profits, employers, community leaders granting my engagement paperwork and am in the process of turning that in to the Marin County Superior court, I luckily manged to get my charges reduced from a felony to a misdemeanor and have high hopes from the courts to get an expunge or dismissal.

My higher power is in my life stronger than 5 years ago, and in someways I more of a welcome and affirming individual in other ways im the same or worse, I admit I’m depressed at times, but I cope better.

I admit im not a saint, but who is? I have a romantic interest that also feels the same way about me, but distance hampers things plus she is on probation out of state, I have known this person for 3 years almost, but am not sure about a long distance thing. She is not a 12-steeper nor needs to be in my opinion, but my sponsor says not to rush things. I might go visit her, she has family in the bay area and might get permission to leave her home state and visit California and I also may travel to see her.


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Off probation today, taking life one day at a time. Not drinking, just for today.

Have other things to workout, pondering my future and making big choices in the next few months, plus the holiday season approaches...ill be OK

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I hurt sometimes, I made peace with some of my demons. But spiritually at times I am lost, right now I have taken on perhaps too much on the plate, but so much of my future is at stake.

There is a few individuals I cant stand I want to get away from, but than again he has his own issues and doesn’t have solid AA/NA recovery. Hes like a plague and bad karma. But why let one or two maybe three at most let me run away from my problems as I have so done in the past.

I don’t have all the answers currently, but I search for them.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

progress and enlightment

I made peace with some things, worried about family back in Louisiana with the hurricane. Off probation in 9 days, turning in my expungement paperwork in 11 days, went the the Marin alano club this morning for coffee. Might make a meeting over there around noon or so.

Talked to my AA Sponsor about a possible relationship with someone I have known for about 2 years, he doesn’t think its a good idea. I’m not so sure either, but pondering things somewhat.

I may be moving on from Marin after I get a few affairs in order, but im likely to remain here for a while and focus on educational opportunity, and employment opportunity.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

progress.....

Made peace with 99% of my inner demons. Going to TSA today in Marin, going to pickup documents from DLG and inquire at citibank and wells fargo bank about some things. Had a pretty good employment lead or I hope so to follow up on. Going to a meeting at Marin Alano Club today, as well as working on my personal letter to the court for my expungement, I also have 3 professional letters as well for my expugement, off probation soon too.


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I continue to grow up, and mature in rather unique ways, some of my fears from my past....are well just my past.....I had some fears crop up recently perhaps...I ponder what road to take on the road ahead.

Working step 9 (still) with my AA sponsor.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Made some personal growth recently on step 9 WITH my aa sponsor, making progress in other areas of my life. More details to follow


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Have some steps to work on step 8, going to do a 9^th step this week, thats on my agenda this week that I already discussed with my AA sponsor.have some commitments to do


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Went to church this morning, vised R today, updated some information, have business to do on Monday. Have my 1^st appointment with my therapist on Tuesday before work.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Visited R today, went to an AA meeting @ Marin Alano club. I made peace with some acquaintances today as well. Doing a meeting tomorrow

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Worked a bit today, talked to YV, put in a lot of hours at TSA, met with AA sponsor today

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Made progress with my steps, and home work for my sponsor, picked up a 5 year sobriety chip last night. Made progress in some of my admissions

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Finally finished writing things down for my sponsor, so I guess its on to step 8 I go onward in AA, I still am growing up as an individual, I feel sometimes I wasted part of my sobriety away, rather than focusing more in depth on educational, employment, and other goals. But I thought I was doing the proper thing at the time for myself.

I have something good happening soon, my own apartment no sober roommates, no roommates no in the program just me, myself & I. And not much else, finally ill do something about my gas guzzling 4x4 truck and likely will still ride mass transit as it is pretty darn good in northern California.

I backed up some files recently to my server, I also start school Aug. 20^th 2012, so life is good. It could be better, but some of us in recovery prosper and grow at different paces.

I continue to prosper as an individual in many ways, I am making huge progress in DA,SLAA, OA as well as my original program AA, perhaps I am addicted to 12-step programs.

But progress and getting here didn't come at a price, I hurt some and embarrassed others and brought shame to my self. But I don't dwell on the past or past transgressions.

I made peace with my inner demons, and learned the hard way to “let go”. My selfishness has not been without consequence, I lost a few acquaintances, friendships and family members. I learned to put these relations in gods hands. And hope time of rehabilitation of my life, will heal old wounds, if they ever get healed.

I missed KM & KM today the plans feel into the gutter, I feel hurt and stood up somewhat, but than again BGK used to say I did that all the time, and yes he was correct, I need to become less selfish and more dependable as an individual, at times I become lazy and unsettled.

My plans to take a trip and move out of Marin are on hold after discussing things with a close friend, I'm going to hang around while for the better until I have my affairs in order. But after I get settled in my new place, I'm planing to focusing on my 2003 ford ranger FX4 and than after its registered, insured, and smogged, and inspected I still plan a trip to Los Angles to see a old friend from LAMBDA center in Houston Texas that had 3 months when I walked through the doors again. And this guy stayed sober all these years, and we linked back up via the INTERNET.

Furthermore, I plan to visit my uncle in New Orleans via Amtrak and help him do a few things and visit and look up a old friend or two I haven't seen since I moved to California who I think is in the New Orleans metro area again from northern Louisiana where he lived post Katrina.

My 5 years of sobriety has had dark spots, and mental blackouts and just dumb idiotic choices, and bad karma, sometimes I'm not sure how to face old friends and foes in San Francisco and people I rubbed the wrong way. I suppose thats why step 8 & step 9 are separate steps. Step 8 you discuss them with your AA sponsor, and step 9 you actually go and do the ones you mutually feel are right.

I'm not sure how to make amends to MLS OR MCG or others CW & LR would be bad, and PF would be bad too. I dont think its a good idea to drag other people into my step work, perhaps buying coffee or putting a extra dollar in the basket would be the right thing to do, we discussed this at a STAG meeting I have started attending, I picked the topic.

Soon to be off probation, September 7^th, 2012, life looks good.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

The reality of life I made progress in my imperfections and defects of personality. I have grown a lot, had better news today....I continue to grow as an Individual somewhat and prosper, I made peace with some of my past. But I struggle to find myself through individuality and choose the path I want out of life.............perhaps time will change for the better.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Ive grown a bit over the years, peculiarity the last few years, but in faith and spirit I'm not always so sure the proper path to life, big choices that could have drastic effects over the next few years of my life are shortly ahead..........time to make big choices........more details to follow.....

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Taking life moving into my own apartment likely soon, perhaps I wont have to leave Marin, I sort of fell in love with it and I have a love hate relationship so to speak, but I'm going to stick around awhile till I get my affairs in order than eventually move to southern California out near the ocean perhaps.

Ive changed a lot as an individual in the past few years in many ways and grown up greatly.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Had a productive and sucessful day at TSA, made progess towards my goals. I conitnue to grow up as an individual. Made serious personal progress but playing phone tag with someone...more details to follow....

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I made progress in most of my goals the past 2 years, I'm a better person than 5 years ago yet in some ways im less of a person than in my 31 years on earth I sometimes dont feel Im where I should be in life. But I accept my circumstances of life.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Met with e this morning, took care of business saw RD this morning, and YV pondering life after STAR im a much better person but unhappy searching for myself again somewhat.

Pondering the meaning of life, had somewhat of a progressive day, doing a H&I meeting tonight @ at MGH with a speaker.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Meeting with Toni @ collage of Marin today, had a good morning taking care of business. Updated my website(s) somewhat. Backed up files to my server.

Working on a few other stuff talked to KM today. And YV.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Have to go back to Collage of Marin on Monday, and work on other educational goals......

spoke to RM today, worked on my websites and backed up files to my personal server farm.

Working on a few other goals such as obtaining letters from the community for my expunger.

Continuing to make my AA,DA,OA,SLAA Goals.

Going to a meeting later today at Marin Alano Club

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Met with sponsor today, took care of business at Collage of Marin, working on another school too in Marin. Have to go back to collage of Marin tomorrow to take care of business. Met with my AA sponsor today, starting school after Aug. 20^th 2012

Progress not perfection attended Marin Alano club today and fellowshipped, my roommate deal is not the best as I approach my 5th year sobriety date of [7/13/2007] Ive had ups and downs in sobriety and some very deep dark places, as well as my OA, DA , SLAA programs sometimes quickly sometimes slowly we grow, some folks dont always put things in gods hands per say, but I do.

Ive grown a lot the past few years and look forward to getting off probation early September 7^th 2012

and Ive started my expungement process and in the process of getting letters shortly there after and starting my productive life over.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Slept OK, very well better than usual had a big breakfast skipping lunch, going to noon meeting @ Marin Alano club. Hope my sponsor comes to the meeting and doesn't get too busy with homework...school starts Aug 20^th 2012. more details to follow.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Saw a wacko that needs help yesterday at the San Rafael Transit Center, glad they moved up to Sonoma county, ran that freak show off by enforcing the 30 minute rule @ Marin Alano club a while back..... more Marin Alano club members should be like me.


this freakshow.... was also sleeping at @ marin alano club..not cool




Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Making my finance goals, paid rent on time. Taking care of business going to check out the other school today. Looking forward toward the 8^th and 9^th step after I discuss them with my wonderful AA sponsor.

Might take a swimming class at COM, and a fitness class for credits. Talked to DLG today, conditioning to search for a therapist and make progress in my rehabilitation. Planning on going to GGYPAA @ fort mason on july 4^th.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

MIGHT go to fort mason on July 4^th for a GGYPAA AA meeting potluck and BBQ, currently @ Collage of Marin to meet with the DSP Councilor. IK is meeting me there.

May have met someone of romantic interest...more details to follow.

Have to pay the rent today, and continue to save $

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

My friends are all busy today, not going to SF or the east bay. Plus I have to save finances for the move in November. Working on a few things have an appointment at collage of Marin on Monday.

I plan to go to the Marin Alano Club for the 4^th of July event. Meeting & BBQ.

My friends are doing OK, and im feeling a little spirituality optimistic.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Met with YV today, ran errands. Went to the ERC today, meeting with AF later, and going to RC & RM later. Slept OK last night. Took care of starting my expungement process in preparation of getting off probation.

Working on moving, and have a plan. Working on the 8^th step in AA soon.


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Met with LDS missionaries today, met with my sponsor today. Made peace with some of my demons. On AA step 8 right now. Talked to YV today. Have an appointment in a few hours with someone that I lookup to.

Attended a NA meeting last night, went for a long walk today, my feet still hurt from walking in the city this past weekend.

Hung out with RT today and played video games after my appointment with my sponsor.

Have an appt. at collage of marin next week.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Slept better last night, trying to find peace in my recovery and find balance.
I am meeting with my AA sponsor tomorrow so that should be an aid.

I hurt sometimes with SKS he wasn't always that nice to me, but I have a 8th and 9th step at some point I have to work with him. On the other hand it happened for a reason, and is going to lead me to greater things per say.

Taking a week and half off work, to handle some personal matters, going to the Marin public defenders office to pick up an expungement packet to get the ball rolling on that.


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

AA STEP 7 (again)
da step 4
oa step 3
slaa step 2



Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Dropped off my resume~ this week. At a few places I applied in the city and the east bay. Met with friends as well on Saturday, have an appointment at collage of Marin on Monday irine is meeting me there.

Met with YV also today. Haven't been sleeping as well, more on that later.

Met with some old friends, worked at @ TSA today, taking a week and half vacation to clear my head somewhat. Perhaps im burned out a little.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I found peace with some of my inner demons. I think my life is getting better one day at a time, im working a good spiritual program. I'm not sure if I agree with religion or not anymore, some might argue for a long time I lived in sin. That may or may not be true, im not sure what my viewpoints are anymore.

Have an appointment at a collage next week. Dropped off my resume~ a few places this weekend in the city and east bay.

I felt lost for a long time in direction, and even depressed but less and less that is the case.

I posted my resume online....easy to find. And backed up files from my computer to my web server.

Have a plan to go back to school, moving in November not sure where yet... but I have a backup plan, and a failsafe backup plan(s) out of Marin county or might couch surf a night or two....lately Ive allays had the door open for me where I want to go

awaiting a warranty replacement for my computer backpack.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Overslept this morning a little, made a AA (H&I) meeting to fill in for the sec who didn't want to become a ﾓdark knightﾔ was interesting at Marin General Hospital. My viewpoints to deal with folks who dont follow the rules someplace are getting to me and remain unpopular with the general population.

Backed up files to my server, thinking of eventually WORKING on a computer science / computer info systems at city collage of San Francisco. As a long term goal, have an appointment at collage of Marin for the time being.

After I get off probation September 7th,2012 I plan to apply for an expungement the judge who handled my case said she would agree to it and thats a work in progress. I may start driving a cab in San Francisco given with the bad California economy, not having much luck with my employment search

I made peace and met with my AA sponsor today...... working on a few things actually getting up around 5AM every morning  and going to bed later

Saw SKS recently. He looked like he might have been still using and not working a good program.
Going to a mens stag meeting today @ Marin Alano club.Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Hung out with my CDL holding friend BWMCD, and VS who is undergoing some major changes at a coffeshop than walked to radioshack in the mission at 24th st than went to work at TSA in san rafael than went to the 6pm meeting @ marin alano club.


speaking @ mgh tommorow for AA, meeting with sponsor tommorow...


have a drs apointment monday also @ MGH


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

met with a few friends today in san francisco. headed over to oakland


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Feeling a bit stressed about my present circumstances though tend to passing as I go onward, down the straight and narrow path to enlightenment.

Sought out a therapist today to deal with some issues im having.... too much pain to discuss...going to visit a friend in the city and the east bay tomorrow...i haven't been going as often but I plan to meet up with 3 or 4 individuals soon

.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I feel better today, found a new therpist so to speak..or possibly found a new therapist. Relaunched my rather primitive website again, eventually hope to learn more modern programming techniques. I also feel im getting closer to my computer goals as far as working in the field, im not qualified at the present, but im working on educational, goals for the short and long term.

Talked to someone in depth today about my present stresses, backed up files to my server farm from my computer. I spoke to a old friend today, and am filling in for someone in AA in H&I at Marin general hospital on Sunday.

Spoke to AF & YV today, as well as DLG. Working on contacting an atty for an appeal for something, most likely at present leaning away from professional driving, or at least putting it as an eventual goal when I get older if my health is good. Leaning toward employment and educational goals.

Marin has been a good and bad change for me in ways I wont share as publicly. But I did launch a more private on line journal on my server-farm. To process my more private thoughts.

I'm achieving quite a bit of savings goals, and due to my feet and mouth hurting from dental surgery not going to hang out with friends in the city this weekend. I'm working on some spiritual goals and bringing a speaker into MGH this weekend.

I also am not going to any of the various county fairs this year, for finance reasons, and making goals toward my future.

I hurt sometimes inside though trying to figure out who I am for the longest time I thought I had the answers, but I do-not. I try to find the answers, but also dont wish to shut the door on my past. Even though I feel on one had I wasted some of my life away on the other hand, of flip side I feel I gained better insight into myself and who I am and who I'm not.

I keep working toward a better and brighter future.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Coded HTML, uploaded files to the server. Mirroring a few sites and hosting a few for friends........ feels good to be an web administrator again so to speak. Talked to a friend of mine overseas on my web cam and instant messenger over the INTERNET sure beats international calling.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Had interesting debate on IRC, a few individuals considered me rather radical....I suppose that could be an definition of myself, perhaps controversial.

I have a plan, and im sticking to it, to move yet again...Im keeping tight lipped about it for now, talked to a old friend who is undergoing an operation soon.

Working on a few things and have a plan for a radical server, domain name, blog of techie Gothic punk and general info of my opinions despite some not agreeing with me, and remaining unpopular in California in some circles.

Ill post more details as they become ready to become posted or I feel comfortable sharing on the INTERNET.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Life on the move......again

Pondering my future? Soon......

Had a good nights sleep last night, some of my roommates say I was snoring rather loudly. I met with probation officer today, talked to public defender today and getting off probation and my expungement around September 7th , 2012.

I called my AA sponsor, I have an appointment at the disability office today, and may qualify for additional benefits.

Talked to YV today, and a few other folks. Working a serious OA,DA & SLAA Program, going to bed earlier and learning to be a better parent to myself.

Awaiting a package in the mail...more details to follow.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Visted a friend or two this morning, have a big appointment tomorrow that might lead to something wonderful so to speak. My dental work is feeling better, awaiting a package.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

 

Made peace with some of my demons. Have some things to take care of today, going to hit up a meeting today. Going to possibly take an adventure of sorts today. I slept ok went to bed around 12:30 this morning and awoken around 9AM. Not as early as usual when I awaken at 4am or so and go to bed around 930pm.

Called my wonderful sponsor yesterday to discuss something, and called probation as well to discuss something.

Ate a big breakfast this morning.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Oh I also quit fooling around with psycho women and quit paying for someone elses phone, and awaiting for them to return the android tablet I rooted. Though I did put spyware on it, I can track it sort of and spy on others.....


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

The the plan is simple, stay & clean and sober and work the 12-steps. Called my sponsor about my dental work and some medication I have to take. Also called probation and other folks to inform them about this matter. I have to use a oral rinse to keep the swelling down and keep my dental work from getting infected.

I went to Oakland today to obtain a certified copy of my birth certificate from the clerk recorders office. Went to a meeting in the east bay met with AF, called a few friends, had peets coffee a friend bought it for me.

Making progress in my finance goals, savings and toward a brighter future have an appointment for school two appointments actually in the next 2 months from now, have a few other things to do today.

Sent a few e-mails out to friends, family and support groups. Stopped by the salvation army to check on something see whats going on down at the office. About to take a shower before I eat dinner.

Still working on my website, and a few other things. On step 7 still. In AA. Step 4 in OA,DA,SLAA. Progress not perfection I think, discussed with a friend some of the LDS faith and my take on it having gone that route, I find spirituality more in 12-step meetings than I do religion these days. I suppose I would call myself agnostic or spiritual not religious.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I ran into someone from a 12step program that wonders “if I'm still going to meetings?” which I am just not as many at the Marin Alano club, I have swapped up meetings as of present living up in novato. Have to go to the almedia county clerk recorders office to obtain a certified copy of my birth certificate tomorrow. I need it for a appointment on Monday at the disability office.

Used a gift card today @ star-bucks its hot lately. I went to the dentist today and was issued prescriptions for dental pain and a oral wash. I'm getting used to tooth #32 removed and the pain is less painful.

Attempted to contact an atty about the disabled adult child thing im working on which I seem to qualify. And is the reasoning around going to the clerk recorders office.

Looking forward towards getting off probation and getting an expungement from the judge after September 7^{th 2012}

Making progress in various 12-step programs, pondering not going back to my old faith given the pain and issues it caused me and when others were not as supportive and I felt overly judgmental watched a good documentary on religious bullcrap. I dont think I do religion anymore, but have a god of my own understanding or higher power to speak of.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

In much less pain after going to the dentist, in much less pain though I am still in pain. Taking Advil 800mg for the pain. Going back to school have two appointments in July and august.

Working on my goals, and working toward my goals. Living in novato right now, look forward towards returning to San Rafael. Making progress in my short and long term goals. One day at a time, meeting with my wonderful AA sponsor tomorrow.

Went to a few meetings today, slept OK was in bed by midnight, up late preforming research on the INTERNET @ home.

taking a class for the peer counceling at the San Rafael Enterprise Resource Center, though I may have a conflict with the other classes Ill be taking in Marin County.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Pain is better, rested today. Met with a friend applied for an apartment out of town, might pull a geographical after probation ends September 7^th.but im likely to remain in Marin for a while, for the time being.

I called my AA sponsor today, and took care of some personal logistical planning after probation such as housing, employment, educational goals. And also continue to progress in other matters in my life and improving myself as an individual.

I am glad I avoided controlled doctor prescribed drugs on my dental surgery. I also made peace with a few things in my past, presently I am shopping around for a therapist sort of, have two potential candidates.

Have a follow up dentist appointment next week, hope all is well.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Didn't sleep well last night, in dental pain again. I hurt again and awoke last night in massive pain yet again the ibuprofen isn't working to well. Going to dental clinic today, have an appointment at a specialist in about a month. Took the day off work to take care of business.

I don't think I'm going to be able to meet with my sponsor today given I have dental & other appointments to take care of.... have to put off step 7 in AA till next week.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Took care of dental work today but have to go back to a specialist in July, turns out I lost one of my wisdom teeth and its too close to the gum line for the regular dentist to extract whats left, sadly im in massive pain, off and on but over the counter medication (Advil) helps greatly.

I could have made a more recent appointment but would have had to travel to napa, pinole or vicaville. I dont think I want to make that trip despite having a friend or two near those areas.

Im planning my future have an disability appointment on the 18^th of June to see if im entiled to additional benefits, but my heart is set on returning to work.

I may travel some in November if things dont work out or go see family in New Orleans Perhaps on a 15 day Amtrak rail pass. Just a day or two in New Orleans. Anyway more details to follow.

Im also checking out SLE which I hate the idea of going into a institution and dont like places that make money off the program, but on the other hand its better than possibly having no place to go.

Im making progress in my goals, went to the bank today to discuss something and obtain documents.

I also have to go to work tommorow and meet with my AA sponsor, and need to make it to some DA,OA,SLAA meetings.

Making peace with my inner demons, someone accused me of something untrue at the time. Ive been guilty of being a busy-body in the past, but I was standing up lightheaded staring into space due to my dental issues and pain which I didn't sleep very well last night I only got 3 hours of sleep and had to be out the door by 7am

I am presently doing laundry as I compose this blog post.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Had a productive day with PG and YV. Making progress in my continued recovery from insanity. Had my last session with RD. going to find a new therapist eventually, right now I have other priority.

Met with my counselor, and made an appointment with the disabled students program @ collage of Marin. Continuing to grow as an individual. A friend from orange county is coming to SF towards the end of June. Might meet up with an old friend.

Paid bills on time, eating less still making progress in OA & AA on step 7 in AA. I also am working a very good DA program step 4, and SLAA program.

Taked to BWD via text and VS via text messaging.

Codeing my new website which im going to launch next year sometime. Also dropping off my resume various places

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

My feelings of pain have largely gone away, just attended a wonderful meeting at the marin alano club, and shared a little of my pain.... after I get through this rough time, ill share more on it...perhaps away from the Alano club... some people there are childish.

Enjoying my time in novato, in San Rafael as a write this at star bucks my sponsors favorite haunt. About to head back to novato.. was thinking of going to the beach in Marin today.. but im going to put that off until next weekend.

Saving money towards my new employment, educational and housing goals. Making progress and practicing the steps of DA. Continuing to loose weight, and practicing the steps of OA. Making progress but not prefecture in SLAA. On step 6 in AA, soon to be on step 7.

got very sweaty today, didn't make the NAMI walk in San Francisco due to tooth pain, went on a hike in San Rafael and got very sweaty and dirty as I fell down, and cleaned my self up a little. Looking forward toward taking a shower back at the ranch.

Thinking of launching my blog or website again, have other priority before I purchase a domain name again and pay for hosting. Using the blogger and Google plus, have some interesting followers of my blog at the present or blog 2.0

Stayed up way too late last night e-mailing resume, and playing CIV IV. (4).

and counterstrike as well.

Not doing as many SETI @ home cycles on the BONIC program. Might go to a 3pm mens meeting at marin alano club possibly.

Going to take that Amtrak trip in February or march of next year perhaps. Going to also discuss some 9^th step stuff to do in New Orleans & Houston as well as Salt Lake City.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

In pain as of lately, continuing to maintain sobriety through a rough time, share more on that later.

I had a resentment for a long time toward someone who I hurt long ago in Texas, and others in Louisiana and California. Working on improving my life, and not making prior mistakes.

My stalker left me alone, ironically enough Ive been on the other side of that fence at times. My pain and shame and own insecurity's were hurting for a while. But I made peace with my demons and leave those individuals alone and in gods hands.

Discussed taking a trip and making some phone calls after my probation is completed in September and making things right with my pickem up truck, my sponsor advised me to hold off a little longer, I have some things im going to work on first and would likely still resort to bus & bike transit.

Had some progress in my employment hunt. But I need to run to the dentist soon im in massive pain but defentatly going to follow up on those leads on Monday, it hurts to speak I lost my wisdom teeth 3 years ago almost and now im in pain.

I also may purchase a bigger pickup truck and sell my old ranger at some point, maybe a older model truck perhaps, im going to need to get work on my ford ranger to get it street legal again I may become a 2 auto household again perhaps. I was thinking a 2500,or 3500 diesel 4x4 or f250 or f350 perhaps.

Also a diesel 4x4 perhaps something from 1997 or 1998 given those diesels are smog exempt and most in that year do have abs as a option or standard on the higher trim lines.

Also a motorcycle or 150cc scooter is not out of the question. But first focus on building more stability in my life and home life, etc. working on my expungement after probation is over in September. As well as building resume and enrolling at collage of Marin and eventually city collage of San Francisco.

I also recently had my last session with my therapist, im eventually going to find a new one after I move into my new apartment around December.

My dreams of a Amtrak trip to New York and New Orleans as well as Washington DC on a rail pass is also on the horizon as well.

I also plan to visit Canada for a few days as well while on my trip both van cover and Montreal.

I spoke to DLG recently all is well. Have do deal with a few things with the Harris county tax accessors office and taxes department of public safety.

Ill try to do this over the phone and be professional again ill run it by my sponsor as many were unhelpful here but ill try and work out the issue.

Im finishing step 6 in AA and making progress in OA beyond step 3, and DA step 3, and SLAA step 4.

progress not perfection, linked up with a old friend from LAMBDA center in Houston, Texas who we share near the same sobriety date. Perhaps ill pay a visit to sonny & carter again.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

For ages I hurt in the soul, my stalker and person with issues that she needs to sort out does-not bother me, I have my own problems, I grow tired of Marin, perhaps ill elope after probation is over or not. I want to get situated somewhat. Marin has been good to me in someways, other ways its too boring and quiet.

I hurt for a long time but don't hurt anymore, my life was bad and I have had my ups and downs.

Have some business to attend to before the week is over or next week perhaps. My friends are good somewhat to me, some I care not to share drama in AA meetings even though I have a burning desire of sorts, ill wait tiill I'm ready to share it.

My life could be far off worse at the moment, yet I know the light at the end of the tunnel is looming, and it will get better, if I work towards it and I am & shall.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Had a friend of mine recently, make some productive choices whom I have known for over 7+ years, also gave some suggestions to another friend whom I worry about. Going to Kms graduation, had some wack-job out there using and drinking with resentments trying to start trouble and drama for me. May have to change things out, it appears I have a stalker now.

I made some progress in my productive and progressing in life and saving $ toward my goals. Have to head home soon, and do laundry. Also received a notice about my EIN/TIN and some possible identity theft a warning, I doubt anyone would want my id but im making progress towards my financing goals.

Must notify the credit agency's

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I feel adrift and torn between two places, I hurt and burned in my soul for a long time. Im not sure if religion would “fix” this hurt. I find some spirtual growth in AA, DA, OA, SLAA. But I feel adrift somewhat when soul searching.

I had a further heartbreak. My friend suggests I find other meetings at the marin alano club, though the 7am is best. Gossip, and hurting doesnt break my spirt. But sometimes I feel the god of my own understanding hurts at times, because of the disrespect of the traditions.

Linked up with a old friend recently.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

no hard feelings, just had to vent somewhat



Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

someone made the comment today, That guys not really sober he stole a truck  3 and half years ago he doesnt have 5 years hes lying.  things like that and aa gossip doesnt bother me, at one time it sort of...did. but ive outgrown that sort of action. they also made a comment bullshit 5 years.















Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

went to a meeting today, hung out with a friend, progressed somewhat with a plan for a place to live come december when i have to move from novato if plan a doesnt work i have a rough plan b to speak of sort of and a plan c sort of.

Life has had its ups and downs as of late. I hurt less when I go to meetings and im pondering going back to my old church where I had so much pain and suffering for a while or thought i did rather. some of my friends think i shouldnt rejoin it but i feel at min. i have an ammends to make to it


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

had fun today went out with KM for a walk, searched more for a new job, continueing to plan for my move back to san rafael from novato.

attempted to contact DLG today to no avail.

















Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I often find peace in faith of a god of my own understanding, prehaps i am more agnostic. have to go close out an account to save $ for my move from novato back to san rafael in december. I am making progress in my finance goals.

still working at the salvation army, which is going swell.










Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

saw a friend briefly today on the bus, dropped off resume and discussed with PC about possibly attending a orientation during my usual work hours,  mentioned to yadira of possibly moving down to San Jose after my probation and expungement are in order, my living circumstances are not up to prime, and perhaps i found a sober house despite my disgust with such places, too many newcomers and relapses, i found one where i need to get away for a while if after December my housing voucher does-not come up fast as YV and others assure me.


I'm pondering my life, i hurt often at times, i feel i wasted a lot of my sobriety. I also feel some folks in AA talk behind my back, I most likely have made friends and foes. but at times, i was in other programs. I leave daily i spent ages 8-16 in various intuitions, and have largely stayed out of them most of my adult life with some exceptions to the fact.

I hurt sometimes, i linked up with a friend from west Jefferson high school, where i was hazed and later hazed in my 20s in Houston by folks who knew they could push me around and get away with it. she was all ways nice to be despite being a jock, and i was sort of a nerd/geek/rock star.


I am pondering some matters of most importance, i feel i sort of want to go elsewhere after i get some affairs in order. but also I want to go back to school, first i want to get this new place i for so long have desired for the past 4 and half years i have lived with fucked up people and individuals, some who are sicker than others.

The cats out of the bag in the AA World given how some don't respect anonymity and the traditions of where I'm living. but they were very nice to me, i used to do H&I, GSR , IGR/IFB as my service commitments, have homework for step 6 for my sponsor which I'm going to do tonight when i get back to the ranch.



Saw a guy from the star program today as i went to the library to email my resume to a few contacts i have obtained though networking. see what happens. this guy i think is sicker than i was or about as sick as I was when i got arrested again a few years ago.

Ive made some peace with my religious issues, and want to make amends, but don't know if i see myself a church goer. i connect more with 12-step programs. some of my friends have urged me not to go back to my faith of choice.


I am in discussing with RD and YV to get a therapist outside of the star program and might have found one on a sliding scale in another county right now i want to find myself out of this living circumstances i am in.

I'm not resentful that my landlord started using drugs and acting weird, I'm glad i got out of there, though not on the best terms, and i am somewhat restful for my landlady who wanted me gone because of a disagreement with one of my workers i obtained from star.

I'm taking life one day at a time, and working on becoming more productive as a person.
 My honesty upset a friendship trying to make am mends. not going to call or email this guy until we run into each other.

I may use my trust fund to travel to Louisiana around Christmas perhaps to visit family in New Orleans for a few days, I'm thinking of going on Amtrak given i enjoy flying but hate the security checkpoints. I havent visited with family for over 6 or 7 years and have an ammends or two to make there



















Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

had a further falling out with a friend today trying to work a honest program & come clean. I discussed this with my therpist today. life is good though but could be far worse, i have my basics met and some extras.

Met with Y today and that went swell. went to the erc today after therpist, went for a walk, conitnueing to loose weight and progress in oa, going to a na aa meeting this week is on my to do list.




Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Have a job lead tommorow in mill valley, life is good. still living in novato looking foward toward my return to san rafael. 




Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

LIFE is ok, hung out with KM taking life as it comes. Attended an AA meeting at the Marin Alano club today, I grow troubled somewhat with my living suitution but mange well for the moment.

Have an appointment at 4pm drinking water, ate a good breakfast this morning.

Wanted to attend maker faire this weekend in San mateo perhaps next year due to prior commitments, I was unable to attend.

Thought about attending church this weekend, but again had prior commitments, eventually I will sort out those issues.

Planning next Sunday to go to west rural Marin, with a friend to go to the beach the weather is great, also plan to hit up a coworker in her condo, with a swimming pool.

Doing the NAMI walk june 2^nd in San Francisico, California. Trying to find sponsorships

walking more eating less and maing progress in OA, still sober in AA , working a good program in DA, and making peace in SLAA

prehaps im addictied to 12-step programs given im pondering joining coda or al-anon

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I called my sponsor today, I had a wonderful conversation, we are meeting on Tuesday after I get off work. Life has been better spoke to cary newman today. Went to the 9am meeting @ the marin alano club today. Life has been better and threw me a curve ball.

I'm praying things improve soon, if they dont I had a plan. My old landlords continue to deny his using and glad I wasn't a victim in his insanity. Received a call from someone from the courts Ill call them back on Monday, I still have a fear of checking voice mail messages. I procrastinate sometimes in those affairs.

My uncle is doing well, and l spoke to him today seems he picked up the same sinus cold that started in California all the way down in Louisiana. I guess people jet-lagged bring germs with them.

Novato is OK, but look forward to my own private place near central San Rafael, god willing.

Explored some educational oppertunites and conitnued to apply for jobs and preform followups being proactive.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Ran into a sober friend on the ggt bus

God is good going to make an aa meeting today most likely or the na meeting with the cool dude I met
Going to see ryan d and yadira v. The god of my own understaning put those wonderful people in my life

I hurt for a long time with my issues, I hurt for my abuse and hazing somewhat, recently I liked up to someone who was nice to me in high school in Louisiana that was always sort of nice to me she kinda remembers me, recently reconnected a friend who we have some things in common and we have been corresponding and we plan to get together downtown in San Jose where this individual lives.

My family is OK whats left of them I speak to, I guess ill have to start learning to be content alone, I might start going to AL-anon or coda or something else soon, in addition to my various 12-step programs I am a member of AA,DA,OA, SLAA etc.

going to Robbert harrys writing group at the enterprise resource center in San Rafael, followed up on my employment lead it appears they don't have an opening but ill keep networking with the store manger who I thought it went really well. I spoke to the asst mgr. Today.

I'm very close to getting a housing voucher with the Marin housing authority Yadira Vigil keeps assuring me, im glad I got out of Sean Kelly serrias house before the shit hit the fan hes still in court in denial about his relapse on addiction, perhaps he doesn't want to incriminate himself to his probation.

Met justins mom she seems a little naive perhaps, with knowing Sean was ubber secret with his using. Im glad my basic needs are met food, clothing, shelter and a source of income, ive been playing my bills somewhat in advance and become more responsible in my compulsive spending and debiting.

I have a checking, savings and credit card which I dont use very often and have started repairing my tattered credit, im saving for my apartment which im going to try to find a place in san rafael that will accept me with a <600 credit score. I need to save for pg&e, security deposit first and last months rent etc.

Marin has been a growing up experience for me, I have grown as a true individual and found some faith again even though I hurt with gossip or running into people from my past in San Francisco and Oakland and Berkeley. People in the bay area are sometimes snooty or gossipy. I'm not going to go out over it even though my emotional breakdown and 15 seconds of shame in the San Francisco chronicle, Marin independent journal, and TV news, im going to be starting the expungement process, and getting off probation in September of this year.

Marin has been good to me and I have largely grown up into a more ind-pendant, honest, good responsible, rent paying individual.

I hurt though for some of what I feel was an injustice to myself, but Ill deal with it eventually perhaps.

I hurt for my past waste of my life in shady places, and life down on my luck co-Dependant.

Some have disowned or distanced themselves from me somewhat. I eventually may utilities some resources from the STAR Program to try and contact my father perhaps, but first things first, I want to make amends to him, I have regained reality and some memory's of my relapse and embarrassment 6-7 years ago.

My father seems to question my sobriety at times, I dont need to prove anything to him, or go out over it but I plan to try at some point to have a mediator try to arrange a social contact or something someplace nutrual and try and allow him into my life.

Im trying much harder to work a honest program but I haven't been perfect in my over 4 and half years clean & sober. I didn't relapse when I had my 15 seconds of shame in the news media, but I had underlying mental issues UN-addressed at 2 years 1 month clean and as a result spent 13 months locked up in the Marin county jail and other facility to get evaluated and regain compantance.

I hurt for a long time and felt empty but now I feel a power greater than myself, I thought I was on the path to enlightenment before my arrest, but I in reality was a sober, clean waste of space. I found peace somewhat in jail and had some spiritual revelation from god, and eventually plan to repent and find peace for my past transgressions perhaps

Spoke to DLG as usual today.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I hurt for a long time, I feel obvious restlessness with my present circumstances, and I hurt for a long time with my past transgressions, attended an AA meeting last night, it was OK going to try to make it to one today. Have a employment follow up to do. Have to make a few errands meeting with AF @ 3pm than heading back to the ranch for sleep around 7 or 8pm given lately ive been awake @ 4 or 5am everyday these days.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

attended a NA meeting tonight, feeling much better



Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

have a lot to do today, have to pickup a copy of a key , close out an account, meet with therpist and try to see if Kel M and i can hang out today, life has been better but also could be much worse just keeping the faith of life.

I lately have not been visiting friends and other 12-step fellowships in other counties saving money towards my goals


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I thought id clarify about what i ment about not likeing relpase prevention meetings in my previous post, i dont like meetings where people arnt serious about their recovery, and usually at NON aa meetings and other meetings that dont have a GSR or IFB/IGR Rep they arnt really that serious or propery serving the 12-step commuinity. i hope i can be exempted.


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

slept well, awake at 4:30 am this morning, well rested even though i feel asleep shortly after midnight. going to a job fair for whole foods market in a week. Taking life as it comes to me, i hope to god while im living at my present location untill my apartment is ready, i dont have to do one of those relapse prevention bullshit groups, i dont like substance abuse groups other than aa, or aa meetings that arnt officaly listed in the directory or have a gsr or igr/ifb rep that dont extend the hand of aa at that service level.

I also like DA, OA, SLAA meeting which help me with various other additions such as compulsive debiting, compulsive overeating or sex addition.

even though im going a dark period currently, i see the light @ the end of the tunnel. though a bit far away


lately and in the past i feel perscution or fear of it, from people from my past or becuase of various dry drunk spells in recovery, my mental break down, my 15 seconds of shame, my complusive overeating, my sex addition, or complusive debiting.

Im not going to "go out over this" i shared some of this with YV and RD in a email i sent before bed last night, its good to get things out and not bottle it up so to speak KM & DB said when i have my hearing in september ill be done with probation and likely now i can start the process of my expungement at least even though my crime shows up on google it wont show up on my driving record, and than after my expungment i can slowly one day @ a time work toward my goal of professional truck driving. i plan to drive a taxi in the city for a while to boost my resume towards that goal.


Looking back i feel i wasted a lot of time in soberity, talked to a old friend from lambda center in houston where I became sober on july 13, 2007. i just had underlying issues which are under control and became an unwelcome hanger on at some places we might get together for some reunion of soberity and the fellowship

sadly i didnt really do aa meetings in new orleans i look foward to my upcoming trip there in 2013 to do so, im likely to go on an amtrak rail pass around the country for two weeks out of town stopping in New Orleans and possibly Houston Salt Lake city and Los angles area , possibly with a run to porland and seattle as well.

the wifi up here is ok, but sometimes it sucks. i think i might use my celluar modem gets coverage up here too many folks where im living useing up bandwith.



Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Life is good, spoke to YV today, all is well. taking life as it comes. PD is checking the status of my expungement for my criminal history, which will help things when i attempt to start driving a taxi in San Francisico. Marin has been very good to me. spoke to a friend today that is wasteing their life away.

MY old landlord wasnt too thrilled to see me, he is in denial about his using and unprofessional and addict behavior. I wont be attending any more of his hearings to support him.

spoke to CN he is doing well, saw the other two tennants who has my old landlord arrested they are moving out i have the possible feeling he may make bond in a month or two. I hope he gets reality while detoxing in the marin county jail for the next few months.

I also hope, i am able to conitnue  to deal with my issues in sex and love addicts anon, debitors anon, over eaters anon, and AA the very first 12-step program lately for personaly obvious reasons i have been feeling stress.

Have a lot to move today, and might have to remove it possibly if its too much stuff where Im going, i hope it all fits in my new space. Im eagarly awaiing my new very own private apartment which im reassured should be a reality in under 6 months.

My uncle is doing well, im going to start attending a cretive writing group, i think on fridays before i travel from Novato to San Rafael. I hurt often with my life i feel before moving to Marin county with my insanity of 2 years 1 month sober and before i made peace with my resentments and issues. I hurt and was spirtualy adrift the thing that kept me clean & sober was AA 3x day for 2 years .

Sadly i became unwelcome in soberity and was hurting later i found hope and faith in SLAA, DA, OA and again in AA.

I presently in AA am on step 6 and progressing somewhat. I need to get my butt in gear with my homework,


anyway life is good but will be better i keep faith in a power greater than myself




Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Enroute to work

Doing my community service job and seeking a paid job have a lead on a follow up on Friday in san rafael

Saw a baby deer today

Nature is grand moving temp. To novato from san rafael untill my new place is ready I grow tired of living collectiveally getting done with probation in september and starting to work on expungement I've learned my concquences of not taking good care of myself and my issues

I hurt sometimes for those I hurt but I can't change the past nor will I go out over it started taking some finance classes to improve myself and my budgeting

I am thinking of becomeing a member of noisebridge and ace monstor toys hacker spaces to network with geeks in addition to being currently a member of the marin alano club

I sometimes wish I hadn't had my issues in my upbringing I have a friend that's living a life of unsteady willpower and others grow tired of dealing with this individual with life on edge

Prehaps ill get my roots settled in san rafael again soon in my own apartment and live life in sollitude and peace again

Attended an aa meeting today all is well....


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

the shit hit the fan sort of


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

had a good meeting with probation today, saw a old business aquaintance in court today. now working on resume. doesnt look good for him with his priors, life is good i might get off probation in september, and in less than 6 months i will have my own apartment in marin county, most likely in san rafael which has been home for the past 3 and half years or so.

went with kelly to berkeley yesterday walked around got coffee and went to the park and library. had fun hanging out with her. life has been better sort of it has its ups & downs

following up on thur. or fri. at a employment prospect in san rafael, moving to novato untill my place is ready.

talked to some old roomates recently, might go visit a friend today 












Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

taking life as it comes one day at a time, have a bit of a cough and sinus infection taking cold pills for them.


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I suffer sometimes from the guilt and shame of past transgressions, i made an ass out of myself searching to fit in, yet at times i dont regret the past nor wish to shut the door of it. its what makes me- myself a true individual.

I hurt for feeling of wasting my life away 2 years 1 month sober I made a jackass out of myself, ended up in jail, fighting for life and santiy from insantiy, lost good friends and brought shame to my family and extended family.

I  really fucked up my life so to speak. pardon my french and explicit language. today I am more respectful, kind and loving.

I look-foward even though it stresses me out, I attend 2 AA meetings a week at the least, 1 OA meeting a week, 1 DA meeting a week, 1 SLAA meeting a week to curb my transgressions and keep myself sane, i take better care of my self and do the right and live a lawful life.

I made friends and prehaps god wanted me to change my life, personaly 13 months in the marin county jail and graduation from the STAR program, and soon to be off probation and obtain an expungement brought change, but i had personal revelation of a religious and spirtual sort while locked up fighting to regain sanity for insanity.

I hurt for a long time what I thought was an injustice to me, bridges burned in Louisiana, California, and Texas from New Orleans to Houston to the San Francisico bay area i hurt and suffered and was spirtualy lost for a long time


Possibly the god of my own understanding was looking out for me all along. I have a wonderful sponsor in san rafael, whom is also a transplant and someone i look up to and has what I desire, i conitnue to work toward professional, educational, and employment goals and work in rebuilding what I lost.



I lost a lot in 2006 I dont resent the past but i cant change it or shut the door on it. I made a jackass out of myself also than.

everything happens for a reason, and my reason and place of enlightment and progress where god wanted me to be is marin county not oakland, berkeley or san francisico. i made peace with my demons.

I conitnue to work toward attempting but understand i may have burned the bridge with my bio closest living relative my father, i also embarassed him as well and brought shame to him.

I brought shame and wore out my welcome as well, im not a perfectionist though i aspire to be, though in reality its not always possible.





Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

 Im lost in spirt to a degree. I



Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

moving to my own apartment in marin county in under 6 months life is good, and marin has been a change for the better, my old landlord and housemate is headed to prision for a 3rd strike under californias 3 strikes law. he relapsed and went psycho.

moving to novato for a while from san rafael, and taking life as it comes i feel at a disadvange given i called the east bay and san francisco home for a extended period of time, but marin has been good to me and if it aint broke dont fix it, prehaps ill work on myself furthering educational goals, and working ive been actvely seeking employment and have had some leads that appear, to be positive and uplifting.

I wasted a lot of my life on drinking, debiting, sex addiction and compulsive overeating and as such go to AA, DA, SLAA, OA and work the 12-steps with various sponsors from each of the programs

I have ammends to make in san francisico, berkeley, oakland, alamedia, richmond, san jose, houston, pearland, sugarland, new orleans, harvey, etc

after things look up i may purchase a amtrak rail pass and go away for 14 days on a tour around the country and into canada prehaps and visit family in Louisiana and freinds in Texas and im on step 6 with my aa sponsor who is wonderful and advices me to stay in marin for a while hes a marin transplant also


Im glad my needs are met food, clothing, shelter ran into someone from the faithful fools today, and ran into my good friend bless, visted ron, and richard recently.

i have a lot of offer the world and my clergyman gave me wonderful advice, life is good but has been better. saw a guy die from addiction recently, and working on a 12-step email to make some ammends. i grow tired of preceived gossip about my various past addictions and criminal and civil transgresssions


after i move into my very own place, no roomates or anything in less than 6 months from now, i plan to try to try and make a 9th step with my father but put that in gods hands when my sponsor feel its ready, i brought a great deal of shame to him under the past 7 and half years and hurt becuase of it, id like to have a brotherhood or friendship under aa and get to know him but accept the reality i may have permenantly burned that bridge and put it in gods hands before i work on 9th step with my father martin, i plan to work on myself and rehabilation and possibly use a outside moderator to try and contact him to avoid further conflict with him and others i found i still have in the google cloud after my emotional breakdown his email address he asked me to use so prehaps he still checks















Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com