Saturday, September 29, 2012

Made progress in some goals with my living arrangements today, continuing to plan ahead for the future, visited a friend yesterday, have business to attend to, made some choices regarding areas of life recently.

Meeting financial goals and making progress towards my own apartment, no more share rentals for me!

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169

Thursday, September 20, 2012

life post-probation in the bay area

Made peace with some of my things, but still insecure, some self confidence is dropping, I feel lost and stressed out a little but I will manage, even Paranoid feelings are setting in, told a few folks about it, it has been on going for about 7 or 8 months. I hurt sometimes for my past transgressions and shy, sad, insecure feelings tend to set in.

I am making progress in my goals, on speaking terms with bless again somewhat. I also text-ed a few folks about my insecurity to reach out for help.

Anyway class today, and other things to do to plan for my future, and goals. My back pain is getting better after changing Marvin's tire 3 weeks ago on Sunday. I'm likely to sit things out as yadira suggested for the greater good of my living situation even though some of my “friends” don't think its such a good idea. Other of my friends agree with me that sticking things out a while for the greater good, and no more roomates for this individual in the near future. Living alone rocks but for the present moment I must put up with other individuals bullshit.

I made some personal growth in my health and fitness goals as well. Lately im a bit slightly resentful due to TSA & PG not having my letters on time, but patience is required for these professional letters and for my expungement letters now that my probation is over and I have regained my civil libertys and rights I signed away for 2 and half years plus my 12 month jail sentence.

I also am eagerly awaiting a letter as well, for a finance matter and a few other things, we will see what the road ahead lies and where life will take me in Marin or someplace else

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Went to the doctor today, I am sick with a mild sinus cold / cough. Attempting to get better soon, saw BK today and we talked on the bus. Met with YV and ate a healthy lunch going for a walk soon, than class.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Working on my expungement letters from community members, and other civic leaders. Sticking things out a while per YV and having faith that my dreams will come true. Class tonight, more details to follow.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169

Monday, September 10, 2012

Have class today, very busy, had a busy day. Have a plan for my life, and sticking to it. Going to hit an AA meeting(s) this week and step up my program. Discussed my insecurity with my sponsor. Pondering life and the meaning of who I am as an individual, still soul searching....but sober.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169

Saturday, September 8, 2012

I am likely in December moving to someplace in the bay area (away from Marin county), I will not disclose. I have much shame and guilt for my inaction, actions and prior transgressions. My abuse and hazing after Katrina the infamous storm that hit my hometown of Harvey,LA (a New Orleans Suburb) in Jefferson Parish. The hazing occurred in Houston, Texas and I was too young and insecure in myself and resorted to drinking, I thought I had the answers but years of temptations of sin, and personal physical abuse, and sexual abuse from racist coworkers and a hostile work area was a downpour.

I see my part in it and my lining, manipulating, stealing, and using others to get what I want and need, as well as taking advantage of people, places and things.

People sometimes make me insecure, some folks I have gotten word gossip behind my back. But I made pace with some things. I brought shame to myself in Alcoholics Anonymous, but find peace in Narcotics Anonymous as well as the occasional Debtors anonymous, over eaters anonymous, sex & love addicts anonymous.

I for 5 years sober have made an utter ass out of myself, and pay the price for it. I learned my lessons on probation for 2 and half years as well as 13 months in the Marin county jail. Never again I say, I know now and have become a better individual.

Truth be told, I’m not running away, I’m keeping the same sponsor, despite my commute and schooling in Marin County, Ill be around, Ill just be living someplace else. Some folks read my open blog entry with amusement I suppose, some may back stab me, some persecute me for past transgressions, or my addictions or other problems.

Hell people are nice to me its just in my head, I know I’m more assertive as a result of my hazing, and wont go through that again, but I hurt a bleed in the soul, I must find A Outlet to make peace with my demons. I choose to live, over jails, institutions and death from addiction.

Who gives a fuck what others think? Maybe I care too much maybe I need to grow up, I know where I’m going and how I’m going to get there.

Thats my story and im sticking too it.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169

life, rights, and romance

The question remains where I find peace, in Christianity, or my higher power, or the god as I understand him/her/it. I was hurt long ago, and lost faith fell adrift, but I don’t dwell on the past but my hazing in my mid 20s was in-partial to blame, of my falling away from faith.

I don't have all the answers currently, but I seek something better, a better life. A fresh start on the road ahead. Alas I see the light at the end of the tunnel again.

I don't have all the answers currently, but sometimes I seek them. I used to be religious but I'm not sure where I “fit in” I search for god, I feel him in my life, but do I believe in god?

School is going well in class Monday-Thursday and doing volunteer work at the San Rafael Salvation Army. On step 9 with my AA sponsor,

Made peace with some demons, and ended my probation on Friday. Feels great, I paid my debits to society and learned my lessons of not taking as good care of myself emotionally and spiritually and learned the consequences of not dealing with health concerns.

I don’t know what the road ahead lies, I may go see a friend from San Rafael who moved to be closer to her kids in Texas near Houston perhaps, and visit my uncle In New Orleans. I have amends to make in both places, and some my sponsor suggested I don't make as it will cause more harm than good as transgressions In my addiction. Which I used to obsess over some individuals, yet I scared them, I also have an issue to try and iron out with some Law Enforcement my sponsor wants me to focus on local amends in California first. And I have other personal issues to iron out first before I take this trip.

My life is in someways better in other areas the same, and in some areas worse, I’m at a crossroads somewhat. And regained my freedoms, and civil liberty and got all my rights back.

Lately ive been listening on podcast to Alex Jones & Coast to Coast AM Again. Brings back old memory working graveyards, or parking on my nights off from work soul searching, pondering looking at the city at night. Or in the countryside off road sitting on the tailgate or lining in the bed.

The question remains where do I go from here? I’m still trying to figure that out, but lucky a loose plan is forming for my short term and long term goals.

Gossip could be better or worse, but I don’t let anyone person, or place or group of individuals keep or porpoise my spirituality or sobriety. I have done some dumb things, but I learned from my experiences, and have grown up in the past 2-3 years.

Furthermore, I have my 5 diversification letters from individuals, non profits, employers, community leaders granting my engagement paperwork and am in the process of turning that in to the Marin County Superior court, I luckily manged to get my charges reduced from a felony to a misdemeanor and have high hopes from the courts to get an expunge or dismissal.

My higher power is in my life stronger than 5 years ago, and in someways I more of a welcome and affirming individual in other ways im the same or worse, I admit I’m depressed at times, but I cope better.

I admit im not a saint, but who is? I have a romantic interest that also feels the same way about me, but distance hampers things plus she is on probation out of state, I have known this person for 3 years almost, but am not sure about a long distance thing. She is not a 12-steeper nor needs to be in my opinion, but my sponsor says not to rush things. I might go visit her, she has family in the bay area and might get permission to leave her home state and visit California and I also may travel to see her.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169

Friday, September 7, 2012

Off probation today, taking life one day at a time. Not drinking, just for today.

Have other things to workout, pondering my future and making big choices in the next few months, plus the holiday season approaches...ill be OK

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I hurt sometimes, I made peace with some of my demons. But spiritually at times I am lost, right now I have taken on perhaps too much on the plate, but so much of my future is at stake.

There is a few individuals I cant stand I want to get away from, but than again he has his own issues and doesn’t have solid AA/NA recovery. Hes like a plague and bad karma. But why let one or two maybe three at most let me run away from my problems as I have so done in the past.

I don’t have all the answers currently, but I search for them.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169