life, rights, and romance

The question remains where I find peace, in Christianity, or my higher power, or the god as I understand him/her/it. I was hurt long ago, and lost faith fell adrift, but I don’t dwell on the past but my hazing in my mid 20s was in-partial to blame, of my falling away from faith.

I don't have all the answers currently, but I seek something better, a better life. A fresh start on the road ahead. Alas I see the light at the end of the tunnel again.

I don't have all the answers currently, but sometimes I seek them. I used to be religious but I'm not sure where I “fit in” I search for god, I feel him in my life, but do I believe in god?

School is going well in class Monday-Thursday and doing volunteer work at the San Rafael Salvation Army. On step 9 with my AA sponsor,

Made peace with some demons, and ended my probation on Friday. Feels great, I paid my debits to society and learned my lessons of not taking as good care of myself emotionally and spiritually and learned the consequences of not dealing with health concerns.

I don’t know what the road ahead lies, I may go see a friend from San Rafael who moved to be closer to her kids in Texas near Houston perhaps, and visit my uncle In New Orleans. I have amends to make in both places, and some my sponsor suggested I don't make as it will cause more harm than good as transgressions In my addiction. Which I used to obsess over some individuals, yet I scared them, I also have an issue to try and iron out with some Law Enforcement my sponsor wants me to focus on local amends in California first. And I have other personal issues to iron out first before I take this trip.

My life is in someways better in other areas the same, and in some areas worse, I’m at a crossroads somewhat. And regained my freedoms, and civil liberty and got all my rights back.

Lately ive been listening on podcast to Alex Jones & Coast to Coast AM Again. Brings back old memory working graveyards, or parking on my nights off from work soul searching, pondering looking at the city at night. Or in the countryside off road sitting on the tailgate or lining in the bed.

The question remains where do I go from here? I’m still trying to figure that out, but lucky a loose plan is forming for my short term and long term goals.

Gossip could be better or worse, but I don’t let anyone person, or place or group of individuals keep or porpoise my spirituality or sobriety. I have done some dumb things, but I learned from my experiences, and have grown up in the past 2-3 years.

Furthermore, I have my 5 diversification letters from individuals, non profits, employers, community leaders granting my engagement paperwork and am in the process of turning that in to the Marin County Superior court, I luckily manged to get my charges reduced from a felony to a misdemeanor and have high hopes from the courts to get an expunge or dismissal.

My higher power is in my life stronger than 5 years ago, and in someways I more of a welcome and affirming individual in other ways im the same or worse, I admit I’m depressed at times, but I cope better.

I admit im not a saint, but who is? I have a romantic interest that also feels the same way about me, but distance hampers things plus she is on probation out of state, I have known this person for 3 years almost, but am not sure about a long distance thing. She is not a 12-steeper nor needs to be in my opinion, but my sponsor says not to rush things. I might go visit her, she has family in the bay area and might get permission to leave her home state and visit California and I also may travel to see her.


Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

Met with sponsor today, took care of business at Collage of Marin, working on another school too in Marin. Have to go back to collage of Marin tomorrow to take care of business. Met with my AA sponsor today, starting school after Aug. 20^th 2012

Progress not perfection attended Marin Alano club today and fellowshipped, my roommate deal is not the best as I approach my 5th year sobriety date of [7/13/2007] Ive had ups and downs in sobriety and some very deep dark places, as well as my OA, DA , SLAA programs sometimes quickly sometimes slowly we grow, some folks dont always put things in gods hands per say, but I do.

Ive grown a lot the past few years and look forward to getting off probation early September 7^th 2012

and Ive started my expungement process and in the process of getting letters shortly there after and starting my productive life over.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

I hurt for a long time with my issues, I hurt for my abuse and hazing somewhat, recently I liked up to someone who was nice to me in high school in Louisiana that was always sort of nice to me she kinda remembers me, recently reconnected a friend who we have some things in common and we have been corresponding and we plan to get together downtown in San Jose where this individual lives.

My family is OK whats left of them I speak to, I guess ill have to start learning to be content alone, I might start going to AL-anon or coda or something else soon, in addition to my various 12-step programs I am a member of AA,DA,OA, SLAA etc.

going to Robbert harrys writing group at the enterprise resource center in San Rafael, followed up on my employment lead it appears they don't have an opening but ill keep networking with the store manger who I thought it went really well. I spoke to the asst mgr. Today.

I'm very close to getting a housing voucher with the Marin housing authority Yadira Vigil keeps assuring me, im glad I got out of Sean Kelly serrias house before the shit hit the fan hes still in court in denial about his relapse on addiction, perhaps he doesn't want to incriminate himself to his probation.

Met justins mom she seems a little naive perhaps, with knowing Sean was ubber secret with his using. Im glad my basic needs are met food, clothing, shelter and a source of income, ive been playing my bills somewhat in advance and become more responsible in my compulsive spending and debiting.

I have a checking, savings and credit card which I dont use very often and have started repairing my tattered credit, im saving for my apartment which im going to try to find a place in san rafael that will accept me with a <600 credit score. I need to save for pg&e, security deposit first and last months rent etc.

Marin has been a growing up experience for me, I have grown as a true individual and found some faith again even though I hurt with gossip or running into people from my past in San Francisco and Oakland and Berkeley. People in the bay area are sometimes snooty or gossipy. I'm not going to go out over it even though my emotional breakdown and 15 seconds of shame in the San Francisco chronicle, Marin independent journal, and TV news, im going to be starting the expungement process, and getting off probation in September of this year.

Marin has been good to me and I have largely grown up into a more ind-pendant, honest, good responsible, rent paying individual.

I hurt though for some of what I feel was an injustice to myself, but Ill deal with it eventually perhaps.

I hurt for my past waste of my life in shady places, and life down on my luck co-Dependant.

Some have disowned or distanced themselves from me somewhat. I eventually may utilities some resources from the STAR Program to try and contact my father perhaps, but first things first, I want to make amends to him, I have regained reality and some memory's of my relapse and embarrassment 6-7 years ago.

My father seems to question my sobriety at times, I dont need to prove anything to him, or go out over it but I plan to try at some point to have a mediator try to arrange a social contact or something someplace nutrual and try and allow him into my life.

Im trying much harder to work a honest program but I haven't been perfect in my over 4 and half years clean & sober. I didn't relapse when I had my 15 seconds of shame in the news media, but I had underlying mental issues UN-addressed at 2 years 1 month clean and as a result spent 13 months locked up in the Marin county jail and other facility to get evaluated and regain compantance.

I hurt for a long time and felt empty but now I feel a power greater than myself, I thought I was on the path to enlightenment before my arrest, but I in reality was a sober, clean waste of space. I found peace somewhat in jail and had some spiritual revelation from god, and eventually plan to repent and find peace for my past transgressions perhaps

Spoke to DLG as usual today.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com

slept well, awake at 4:30 am this morning, well rested even though i feel asleep shortly after midnight. going to a job fair for whole foods market in a week. Taking life as it comes to me, i hope to god while im living at my present location untill my apartment is ready, i dont have to do one of those relapse prevention bullshit groups, i dont like substance abuse groups other than aa, or aa meetings that arnt officaly listed in the directory or have a gsr or igr/ifb rep that dont extend the hand of aa at that service level.

I also like DA, OA, SLAA meeting which help me with various other additions such as compulsive debiting, compulsive overeating or sex addition.

even though im going a dark period currently, i see the light @ the end of the tunnel. though a bit far away


lately and in the past i feel perscution or fear of it, from people from my past or becuase of various dry drunk spells in recovery, my mental break down, my 15 seconds of shame, my complusive overeating, my sex addition, or complusive debiting.

Im not going to "go out over this" i shared some of this with YV and RD in a email i sent before bed last night, its good to get things out and not bottle it up so to speak KM & DB said when i have my hearing in september ill be done with probation and likely now i can start the process of my expungement at least even though my crime shows up on google it wont show up on my driving record, and than after my expungment i can slowly one day @ a time work toward my goal of professional truck driving. i plan to drive a taxi in the city for a while to boost my resume towards that goal.


Looking back i feel i wasted a lot of time in soberity, talked to a old friend from lambda center in houston where I became sober on july 13, 2007. i just had underlying issues which are under control and became an unwelcome hanger on at some places we might get together for some reunion of soberity and the fellowship

sadly i didnt really do aa meetings in new orleans i look foward to my upcoming trip there in 2013 to do so, im likely to go on an amtrak rail pass around the country for two weeks out of town stopping in New Orleans and possibly Houston Salt Lake city and Los angles area , possibly with a run to porland and seattle as well.

the wifi up here is ok, but sometimes it sucks. i think i might use my celluar modem gets coverage up here too many folks where im living useing up bandwith.



Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169 lmgaetjens@gmail.com