Saturday, September 8, 2012

life, rights, and romance

The question remains where I find peace, in Christianity, or my higher power, or the god as I understand him/her/it. I was hurt long ago, and lost faith fell adrift, but I don’t dwell on the past but my hazing in my mid 20s was in-partial to blame, of my falling away from faith.

I don't have all the answers currently, but I seek something better, a better life. A fresh start on the road ahead. Alas I see the light at the end of the tunnel again.

I don't have all the answers currently, but sometimes I seek them. I used to be religious but I'm not sure where I “fit in” I search for god, I feel him in my life, but do I believe in god?

School is going well in class Monday-Thursday and doing volunteer work at the San Rafael Salvation Army. On step 9 with my AA sponsor,

Made peace with some demons, and ended my probation on Friday. Feels great, I paid my debits to society and learned my lessons of not taking as good care of myself emotionally and spiritually and learned the consequences of not dealing with health concerns.

I don’t know what the road ahead lies, I may go see a friend from San Rafael who moved to be closer to her kids in Texas near Houston perhaps, and visit my uncle In New Orleans. I have amends to make in both places, and some my sponsor suggested I don't make as it will cause more harm than good as transgressions In my addiction. Which I used to obsess over some individuals, yet I scared them, I also have an issue to try and iron out with some Law Enforcement my sponsor wants me to focus on local amends in California first. And I have other personal issues to iron out first before I take this trip.

My life is in someways better in other areas the same, and in some areas worse, I’m at a crossroads somewhat. And regained my freedoms, and civil liberty and got all my rights back.

Lately ive been listening on podcast to Alex Jones & Coast to Coast AM Again. Brings back old memory working graveyards, or parking on my nights off from work soul searching, pondering looking at the city at night. Or in the countryside off road sitting on the tailgate or lining in the bed.

The question remains where do I go from here? I’m still trying to figure that out, but lucky a loose plan is forming for my short term and long term goals.

Gossip could be better or worse, but I don’t let anyone person, or place or group of individuals keep or porpoise my spirituality or sobriety. I have done some dumb things, but I learned from my experiences, and have grown up in the past 2-3 years.

Furthermore, I have my 5 diversification letters from individuals, non profits, employers, community leaders granting my engagement paperwork and am in the process of turning that in to the Marin County Superior court, I luckily manged to get my charges reduced from a felony to a misdemeanor and have high hopes from the courts to get an expunge or dismissal.

My higher power is in my life stronger than 5 years ago, and in someways I more of a welcome and affirming individual in other ways im the same or worse, I admit I’m depressed at times, but I cope better.

I admit im not a saint, but who is? I have a romantic interest that also feels the same way about me, but distance hampers things plus she is on probation out of state, I have known this person for 3 years almost, but am not sure about a long distance thing. She is not a 12-steeper nor needs to be in my opinion, but my sponsor says not to rush things. I might go visit her, she has family in the bay area and might get permission to leave her home state and visit California and I also may travel to see her.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169

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