Friday, May 18, 2012

I hurt for a long time with my issues, I hurt for my abuse and hazing somewhat, recently I liked up to someone who was nice to me in high school in Louisiana that was always sort of nice to me she kinda remembers me, recently reconnected a friend who we have some things in common and we have been corresponding and we plan to get together downtown in San Jose where this individual lives.

My family is OK whats left of them I speak to, I guess ill have to start learning to be content alone, I might start going to AL-anon or coda or something else soon, in addition to my various 12-step programs I am a member of AA,DA,OA, SLAA etc.

going to Robbert harrys writing group at the enterprise resource center in San Rafael, followed up on my employment lead it appears they don't have an opening but ill keep networking with the store manger who I thought it went really well. I spoke to the asst mgr. Today.

I'm very close to getting a housing voucher with the Marin housing authority Yadira Vigil keeps assuring me, im glad I got out of Sean Kelly serrias house before the shit hit the fan hes still in court in denial about his relapse on addiction, perhaps he doesn't want to incriminate himself to his probation.

Met justins mom she seems a little naive perhaps, with knowing Sean was ubber secret with his using. Im glad my basic needs are met food, clothing, shelter and a source of income, ive been playing my bills somewhat in advance and become more responsible in my compulsive spending and debiting.

I have a checking, savings and credit card which I dont use very often and have started repairing my tattered credit, im saving for my apartment which im going to try to find a place in san rafael that will accept me with a <600 credit score. I need to save for pg&e, security deposit first and last months rent etc.

Marin has been a growing up experience for me, I have grown as a true individual and found some faith again even though I hurt with gossip or running into people from my past in San Francisco and Oakland and Berkeley. People in the bay area are sometimes snooty or gossipy. I'm not going to go out over it even though my emotional breakdown and 15 seconds of shame in the San Francisco chronicle, Marin independent journal, and TV news, im going to be starting the expungement process, and getting off probation in September of this year.

Marin has been good to me and I have largely grown up into a more ind-pendant, honest, good responsible, rent paying individual.

I hurt though for some of what I feel was an injustice to myself, but Ill deal with it eventually perhaps.
I hurt for my past waste of my life in shady places, and life down on my luck co-Dependant.

Some have disowned or distanced themselves from me somewhat. I eventually may utilities some resources from the STAR Program to try and contact my father perhaps, but first things first, I want to make amends to him, I have regained reality and some memory's of my relapse and embarrassment 6-7 years ago.

My father seems to question my sobriety at times, I dont need to prove anything to him, or go out over it but I plan to try at some point to have a mediator try to arrange a social contact or something someplace nutrual and try and allow him into my life.

Im trying much harder to work a honest program but I haven't been perfect in my over 4 and half years clean & sober. I didn't relapse when I had my 15 seconds of shame in the news media, but I had underlying mental issues UN-addressed at 2 years 1 month clean and as a result spent 13 months locked up in the Marin county jail and other facility to get evaluated and regain compantance.

I hurt for a long time and felt empty but now I feel a power greater than myself, I thought I was on the path to enlightenment before my arrest, but I in reality was a sober, clean waste of space. I found peace somewhat in jail and had some spiritual revelation from god, and eventually plan to repent and find peace for my past transgressions perhaps

Spoke to DLG as usual today.

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens PO Box 150063 San Rafael, CA 94915-0063 (415) 572-4169

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